Here's a funny thing about calling in love: sometimes it shows up, and we don't recognize it. It doesn't arrive with violins. It arrives as someone who texts when they said they would. Let's learn to spot it.
Small bids, big meaning
Psychologist John Gottman, who with Julie Schwartz Gottman founded the Gottman Institute in Seattle, spent decades observing couples, including in his well-known "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. One of his most charming findings is about "bids for connection": tiny attempts to get attention, affection or interest. "Look at that bird!" is a bid. So is a sigh, a meme, or a hand on your shoulder.
Partners can turn toward a bid (engaging), turn away (ignoring) or turn against it (responding with irritation). In a study of newlyweds, Gottman reported that couples who were still together six years later had turned toward each other's bids roughly 86 percent of the time, while couples who had divorced did so around 33 percent of the time. Romance, it turns out, lives in the "look at that bird" moments.
Green flags worth celebrating
Consistency
Their words and actions match, week after week. Boring? Maybe. Blissful? Definitely.
Curiosity about you
They ask follow-up questions and remember the answers, including the name of your difficult coworker.
Respect for your no
Boundaries are met with "thanks for telling me", not sulking or pushing.
Repair after conflict
Disagreements happen; they come back to talk, apologise and understand.
Your life gets bigger
You keep your friends, hobbies and sense of self, and they cheer you on.
Four patterns to notice kindly
Gottman also described four communication patterns that predict trouble, nicknamed the Four Horsemen: criticism (attacking character rather than behaviour), contempt (mockery, eye-rolling, superiority), defensiveness (deflecting responsibility) and stonewalling (shutting down). Everyone slips into these now and then. What matters is whether they're the weather or just the occasional shower, and whether both of you are willing to repair.
Please note: if someone frightens you, controls you or harms you, that's not a communication style. Reach out to trusted people or local support services.
The romance of calm
Many of us have learned to read anxiety as attraction. The stomach flip, the waiting by the phone, the "will they, won't they": it feels like chemistry. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's an old attachment pattern ringing a familiar bell. When someone secure and kind arrives, the absence of drama can feel flat at first. Give it time. Calm often warms into something deeper than fireworks ever managed.
What a long study says about love
The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938 and is one of the longest-running studies of adult life. Its current director, psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, shared its central message in a widely viewed 2015 TED talk: good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Not fame, not wealth: warm, dependable connection. That's the kind of love worth calling in.
A gentle practice for dating
After a date, write three quick notes: one bid they turned toward, one moment you felt like yourself, and one question you still have. Over a few weeks, these notes become a kind and honest map. Pair this with your feeling list, and you'll recognize love by how it feels, not just how it looks.